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I'm so mean 
03:23am 29/08/2004
mood: WHEE!
Let's be mean to people! Here we go!

The French: Hahahaha! We are the French! Haha! We are the best! Yes! We! (i know) Our r-ke-tek-shure slants and our armpits smell!

The Islamic Fundamentalists: WE are the Islamic Fundamentalists! We have radical ideals that we believe are perfect and deserve to be sought after, even at the cost of countless innocent human lives! We win the favor of our deity by dying for these beliefs... So we can't go wrong!

The Liberal Media: Well, WE are the Liberal Media! We don't give a damn about reporting actual current events unless they suit our political views, and our main objective is to spread ridiculous propaganda! We exist worldwide, and we are more dangerous than radical terrorists and the French put together! And we're more sneaky!

The French: Well! Now that we are all gathered here in beautiful France, home to all things weak and whiny, with the exception of our powerful body oder, let us begin our meeting!

The Islamic Fundamentalists: We demand that the French people defend our rights against U.S. persecution! Even more than they already have! We cannot possibly stand up to the might of the American military! That's why we resorted to terrorism in the first place! See? It isn't our fault! We're the victims!

The French: Of course, you're right! You, like us, the French, have NO military power! You had no choice but to blow up a bus or a school here and there! Overtly attacking a target that made some amount of strategic sense would have been suicide for you poor people!

The Liberal Media: Yes! Your people are poor and oppressed. You have few resources, and the richer of the nations of the world have always chosen to ignore your needs, rather than provide any aid. NO attempt has been made to relieve you and your people of the hardships you face every day! You HAD to resort to killing the innocent to make your point! If we had listened in the first place, this never would have happened!

The Islamic Fundamentalists: Yes! You all understand so well! If only the rest of the world were so willing to pay attention to our logic, instead of our vast oil reserves!

The French: Yes! Oh, um, yes! Your logic! We, the French, are not influenced at all by the oil fields of the Middle East!

The Liberal Media: Oh! Neither are we, the Liberal Media! We drive cars that hardly make sense in order to use as little gasoline as possible. After all, gas prises have risen these days! Oh, and the environment must be protected... Of course, the rise in gas prices has nothing to do with the few wealthy people who own the crude oil. No, these high gas prices are probably... President Bush's fault! Yes!

The Islamic Fundamentalists: Exactly. Now, to REALLY gain the support of angsty American teens and snotty adults that wish they were Europeans, we will need a massive anti-American, anti-war movement in France. The Liberal Media will need to center all of its attention on actions taken against the war and even America itself, while completely ignoring the terrible things we have done in the past! Also, no one can point out that we will continue doing these things, even as we are defended by people that know nothing about us!

The French: Why, that's genius! Very similar to how people who wish to seem cultured act French, even though they have never been here!

The Liberal Media: Yes! And how people who want to be seen as intellectuals drink expensive coffee while spitting out ridiculous opinions that we probably pulled out of our... To be politically correct: butts!

The Islamic Fundamentalists: What are you all talking about? France isn't cultured! England is! Why do you think we don't attack France? And liberals aren't intellectuals! They are blind puppets, used like pawns to perpetuate the spread of our ideas, all the while ensuring our safety from aggressive counter-attacks!

The French: But... We thought you liked us! We have always supported you!

The Liberal Media: What do you mean? We develop our own ideas, free of influence from anyone and everyone else!

The Islamic Fundamentalists: First of all, NO ONE likes France. Secondly, the only bit of originality that has come from liberals is the WORD original.

Don't hate me! I don't believe that ALL French are bad, smelly, snooty people! Um... Just most of 'em! And I don't think that every person in the Middle East is a terrorist. Not EVEN most of them! And I don't think that all liberals are idio... Okay. You can hate me for that one...
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08:05am 23/07/2004
mood: Kill 'em all!
What Pringles ads will be like when we reach a time of complete political incorrectness:

"Hey, you wanna snack with ridges? Go bake a senior citizen. You want a bunch of busted up pieces of crunchy grease? Go lick the range of a Waffle House oven when they're done making the hashbrowns. Oh, you want a real snack? Then lose the bag, fag."
10:02pm 05/04/2004
mood: Giddy (not really)
It's time for Black's Tracks! A smart, entertaining spoof of Blue's Clues! Today's program is brought to you by My Keyboard & Mouse.

Carl: Howdy, y'all! It's me! Carl! Y'all know 'round what time it is? *pause* Tha's right! It's time for Black's Tracks! Y'all ready? A'right! Lets go!

*carl walks a little and finds black*

Black: Woof-wo-WOOF!

Carl: Well howdy, there, Black! Reckon it's 'bout time for us to play Black's Tracks!

Black: Wo-woof!

Carl: That's right! *carl turns to viewers* Y'all know what I'll need? My handy-dandy... *pause* SHOTGUN! That's right!

Black: Woof!

Carl: Ready, kids? A'right! Lead the way, Black!

*carl follows black to a bird on the ground*

Bird: Chee-chirp-chirp! Chirp!

Carl: Why, look what we 'ave here, Black! What's that, Bird?

Bird: Chirp-chirp!

Carl: Oh, you fell on outta your nest! Why, shucks... What nest do ya mean? Do you see it, kids? *pause* OH! There it is!

Black: Wo-woof!

Carl: That's right, Black! *carl aims at the nest and shoots it to itty-bitty pieces* There we go! All done! You can eat that there birdy, Black!

Black: Woo-woo! *black feasts*

Carl: So... Now what? *pause* Oh! Black found something! *looks at black* It's... *pause* Yeah! A hoof print! I wonder what Black's trying to show us?

Black: Woof! *runs off, carl follows*

Carl: Well! What's this? What has Black found, now? *pause* That's right! Animal crap! Good boy, Black!

Black: Grrr!

Carl: Oh. You're... A girl? Well, shoot. Okay! Huh?

*black runs off, again. carl follows*

Black: Wo-woof!

Carl: Well... Look at that tree! What's on that tree? *pause* That's right! Scrapes from antlers! Now... What animal craps and has hooves and antlers? *pause* That's right! Bambi!

Black: Woof! *black runs off*

Carl: Black's on his trail, kids! Lets go! *runs, too*

Black: Woof woof.

Carl: What's that? I don't see him. Do you see him, kids? *pause* Ah, to hell with you. I found him, anyway. You kids aren't saving him! *carl shoots at bambi* No sirrrr! Bambi's mine! *carl shoots again*

Bambi: [deer sound here] *bambi charges carl and impales him on razor-sharp antlers*

Carl: Well, kids, that's it for today! But there'll be plenty more Black's Tracks next time! *stab-stab* Agh... I hope!
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04:56pm 04/04/2004
  Now this might sound racist, but this is what someone said to me today:
"Ah you meggican?"

They were asking if I'm a MEXICAN. I don't even look Mexican. Was it because I risked eating at Taco Bell? Why was a chinese guy eating at Taco Bell if he thought only Mexicans ate there?


"Yo quiero wonton soup."
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08:21pm 02/02/2004
  Clowns should have to be bald, by legal law.

I hate those kids on busses and stuff who just SCREAM. Some people like kids, and some people don't, but NOBODY likes a kid who's screaming.
Unless you're some kind of sick freak. o_____o In which case, GET AWAY FROM ME!

Anway... as I was saying, those kids who just scream and cry. Nobody knows if they have a reason to, but a lot of times, they're just like...
Or they're just like... *SCREAMWHINEWAIL*
I swear... people should not take their children into the public if they are just going to scream and stuff! *twitch*
I swear, some kids can be sitting there happily one moment, then the next, they're screaming and wailing their heads off! Nobody touched you, kid! Shut up! @_@ And damn, they have the most PIERCING screams. I had to just cover my ears a few times, on a bus. The driver should have made them get off, because the kid was SO LOUD and.... graar! He was pretty chubby, too. Do'im some good to walk a bit.


In fact, I just don't like public busses in general. Here's my bus, that I ride every morning:

When I get on, there's a few people there already. Then a bit after me, the Mullet Lady gets on. Her hair is dyed a brown-purple-red color, and it's a mullet. Like a lot. And she always reads trashy romance novels ( I assume they're trashy from the names and covers.)
Then there's The Smokers. A man and a woman (dating? married?) that always smell disgustingly strongly of smoke, and grossness. The man never talks, but the woman does, excessively. Especially excessively, considering the state of her voice. The first time she talked, I thought it was the man talking, and 'he' sounded like 'he'd' been smoking his whole life. They probably have. o_O;
Then a girl in a gray jacket gets on. She always wears that same gray jacket, and always with the hood up and pulled tight so you can only see part of her face. She's quiet.
At the same stop as hood girl, this really obnoxious, rap-loving guy gets on and talks to Smoker lady. Loudly. GAWR.
Then, I think four stops before I get off, this psycho heroin addict gets on.
He really scares me. o_o;;;;
He sits in the seat right behind the bus driver. If there's someone already sitting there, he's scary enough to make them move. Anyway, he like... sits all scrunched together, and scratches his head. Forever. That's all he does. Sit and compulsively, continually scratch his head. Occasionally, he twitches, or mutters something...
That's why I never, ever go out the front door of the bus. I doooon't want to walk by him. He terrifies me. O_O;
Sometimes, this cool guy with really nice, loooong hair gets on. He has a leather jacket, and he wears dark shirts... his hair looks silky-soft, and it's sooo black... and he keeps it in a looong ponytail. *jealous of his hair* He has super awesome boots, too. o___o They're awesome. His eyes are really dark, too. I don't think he wears contacts, though. *is a dork, and always sneaks glances at him when he's on the bus*

Yeah. That's my bus. >_<; Isn't it fun?
Long Hair Guy never sits anywear near Psychoscratcher. He sits in the back, like me. *nod-nod*

Ooookay! I'm done for now!
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12:09am 16/01/2004
  Are you welsh?

If so, I hate you.

Not really.
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Hot stuff, man. 
05:49pm 12/01/2004
  I hate those guys who just hang around fourth avenue and hit on girls. GAH. I want to kick them in the face. Who do they think they are?
I mean, they're just standing there, smoking something that usually isn't a cigarette, looking grungy and gross, and being ugly. And then they're like... "How ya doin', beautiful?" Or something
Or that guy in the hallway, as I walked past.
"Hey, what's your name?" I don't answer. "What's your name? What's your name? What's your name?" OH MY GOD. I wanted to give him a KICK IN THE FACE. I just told him he could fuck off before I turned the corner. Then, as I walked by again, going back to class...
"Hey, what's your name? Hey! Hey! My name's (insert name here. I really wasn't listening. o_O). Hey, what's your name? I told you my name."
"Yeah....?" As in.. yeah? I.. don't care! :D
"Go suck a hot dog."
"Uh.. *snicker* Nooo thanks."
"Go smell yerself!"
"Hahahah! Oh man... you're too witty for me!" And then I was out of hearing range. What an idiot. And then today, he was sitting out in the hallway, AGAIN, and I was walking by. I don't know if he notice the first time, but when I was coming back, he was juuuust about to say something. I heard him start to say something, but I guess he didn't when he realized I would just ignore him. o_O It was kinda funny.

And those old lecherous guys!!! Who slow down in cars and stare at you. They're so damn creepy. Eeeew. They're like... *slow down* *peeeeer* O.O *stare*
And it's like.. AHHH! Creeeeeepy old man!

Allright. I'm done now. o_O

By the way, Matt's excluded from this, because his pickup lines are witty and funny. And when he's old, I'll be old too. So he can creep out hoochies walking down the street, and nuns, and...stuff...
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For-toon cookie say... 
02:49am 12/01/2004
  Well, friends, it's time for me to prove just how wrong the chinese are about me. I've saved every fortune I've ever got, because I think they're simply hilarious. I'm only going to write down my most recent fortunes, however... Maybe ten? Maybe twenty? God... I only need five to prove how wrong those chinese cookie-makers really are about me.

"You are careful and systematic." Oh... Yeah... Like... Like that time I climbed a flimsy lattice to scare my girlfriend into thinking I was peeking in at her while she was taking a shower? That was the brightest idea I ever had. The result of my 'careful and systematic' approach got me a bruised ass and a lot of work the next day with repairing that lattice.

"Don't let friends impose on you." Oh, okay. And what do I do if I want to impose on them? 'Hey, buddy... I know I've pushed you away when you were feeling like imposing on me, but can I impose on you right now? I'm feeling imposey.' God, like I want that to happen.

"You will be rewarded for being a good listener." o_O; Thanks, cookie, but you're wrong. You don't get rewarded for listening outside doors, no matter how good you listened.

"Liars, when they speak the truth, are not believed." Yeah... tell that to Clinton. I'm a persuasive liar if I want to be, and people still believe me when I say somethin' that's true.

"Family is more valuable than money." If you told me this a couple years ago, I'd offer to sell my dad to you for twenty bucks. He'd do the same with me.

Yeah, that's all I need to prove that fortune cookies are seldom correct. They sound more like Advice Cookies to me. Damn you, China! Change the name so we can make sense out of why our fortunes aren't usually fortelling anything.

Your Fortune Cookie says: "You will have read Matt's latest rant about fortune cookies today."
Your Advice Cookie says: "Giving Matt twenty dollars is a charitable adventure."
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Minority Report 
08:08pm 07/01/2004
  Okay, since WHEN are mexicans the minority? God. I went to work today and I was the only white guy there. This is what happens when you're the only white idiot standing around.
"¡Oye, chico blanco! ¿Cómo va? ¿Obtener tratar bronceado como nosotros? Sheeet, el chico, usted nunca estará como nosotros. Usted piensa que usted tan refresca con sus colores diversos de pelo y ojos.. La mierda, el hombre.. Usted y la piel pálida. Usted es tan duro."

"Hey, Matt! We adore your white skin! I wish I had hair and eyes like you. All the ladies would love me! And you're so TAN, too! We're not awesome like you."

How do I respond? Like this...
"¡Sí! ¡El queso de la cabra! La política se falsifica como las vesículas de buitres. El árbol muele su mandíbula en los maíz de muchas viudas."

"Yes! I know you and your people love me. If you give me all of your money, I will spare you from the might of my sexiness. I will make sure that your women do not swoon at the sight of me. I am a GOD!"

Yeah. They accidentally beat me up after that. I don't know what it is... It was all accidental, though. Especially the black eyes.
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07:54pm 07/01/2004
mood: Fwee!
This here is a song called Gothic Superpowers. It's politically correct and free of all stereotype.

I dress in black
From my vest. Down. To. My slacks
I feel real pains
I'm only happy when it rains

(chorus) I write poems
About my darkest hours
About my tortured soul
My gothic superpowers
I light candles
While I take cold showers
I have a black loofa
My gothic superpowers

No one understands me
They don't care or help
They can't reach me
'Cause I distance myself

Mom says she'll help
Conformist bitch
Dad say's he understands
He's too damn rich
And so am I!


None of you get it
I'm not -whining-
Not throwing a fit
I'm not crying

My parents say they love me
My friends say they care
I know it's all a lie
They ignored me... Once or twice


I paint my face
To help me cower
To hide my smile
My gothic superpower
I hate life's taste
I'm the food life devours
Eaten and beaten
My gothic superpowers
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10:01pm 23/12/2003
  Old people are the most annoying people on the face of the planet. Not only do they DELIBERATELY not see you when they change lanes, but they drive so slow that you have to slam your brakes on just to avoid them when they do it. That, and I saw an old bat and her husband macking in a public place... A restaurant, no less. I guess it makes a difference that I was in CoCo's, anyway. That place's a haven for old fogeys. But you know what? When I get old, there are a couple of things I'm going to do, because if THEY get to do it, then I get to do it too!

1. I am going to call my kids at all hours and tell them about my gastro-intestinal problems. I will go into painstaking detail about when I use the bathroom and what happened during that time.
2. I will drive like I am drunk. If someone hits me, I will grab my neck and pretend to feel faint so they immediately are struck with guilt and agree to pay me as much as I ask for. This includes medical bills.
3. If I see a hooligan in a store trying to steal something, I will incessantly follow him around, reminding him that you can get more enjoyment out of a hard day's work than you can get out of stealing. I will remind the youngster that in my day, everyone was honest and got smacked on the hand with a ruler if they ever did something bad.
4. I WILL wink at nuns.
5. I will be hateful toward younger people with 'fancy hair' and 'hip clothes.' I will frighten small children by taking out my teeth in front of him. When they are thoroughly frightened, I will proceed to chase them with the aforementioned dentures while pretending to bite them with my disembodied chompers.

Oh, that's it for now... Some of the stuff I want to say shouldn't be read by anyone but Satan (or old people) so I'm going to end it here. Ciao, young'uns.
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Well, this is it... The advent of a new community... 
09:46pm 23/12/2003
mood: accomplished
Aren't you just golly-gee-gosh pleased with me? This is a community where you can rant about anything you want, so long as you don't totally come off as a total bastard. We're COMEDIC, not completely biased. We understand that what we say might not necessarily apply to everyone! Really, we do! We just like to make fun of things!

If you're easily offended, I suggest you get your boogey on outta here, because we have no room for sniffly little whiners.

Oh. Sorry. Um... Just don't be closed-minded.