1. I am going to call my kids at all hours and tell them about my gastro-intestinal problems. I will go into painstaking detail about when I use the bathroom and what happened during that time.
2. I will drive like I am drunk. If someone hits me, I will grab my neck and pretend to feel faint so they immediately are struck with guilt and agree to pay me as much as I ask for. This includes medical bills.
3. If I see a hooligan in a store trying to steal something, I will incessantly follow him around, reminding him that you can get more enjoyment out of a hard day's work than you can get out of stealing. I will remind the youngster that in my day, everyone was honest and got smacked on the hand with a ruler if they ever did something bad.
4. I WILL wink at nuns.
5. I will be hateful toward younger people with 'fancy hair' and 'hip clothes.' I will frighten small children by taking out my teeth in front of him. When they are thoroughly frightened, I will proceed to chase them with the aforementioned dentures while pretending to bite them with my disembodied chompers.
Oh, that's it for now... Some of the stuff I want to say shouldn't be read by anyone but Satan (or old people) so I'm going to end it here. Ciao, young'uns.