Please don't feed the Matt. (dontfeedthematt) wrote in wrongpolitics,
Please don't feed the Matt.

For-toon cookie say...

Well, friends, it's time for me to prove just how wrong the chinese are about me. I've saved every fortune I've ever got, because I think they're simply hilarious. I'm only going to write down my most recent fortunes, however... Maybe ten? Maybe twenty? God... I only need five to prove how wrong those chinese cookie-makers really are about me.

"You are careful and systematic." Oh... Yeah... Like... Like that time I climbed a flimsy lattice to scare my girlfriend into thinking I was peeking in at her while she was taking a shower? That was the brightest idea I ever had. The result of my 'careful and systematic' approach got me a bruised ass and a lot of work the next day with repairing that lattice.

"Don't let friends impose on you." Oh, okay. And what do I do if I want to impose on them? 'Hey, buddy... I know I've pushed you away when you were feeling like imposing on me, but can I impose on you right now? I'm feeling imposey.' God, like I want that to happen.

"You will be rewarded for being a good listener." o_O; Thanks, cookie, but you're wrong. You don't get rewarded for listening outside doors, no matter how good you listened.

"Liars, when they speak the truth, are not believed." Yeah... tell that to Clinton. I'm a persuasive liar if I want to be, and people still believe me when I say somethin' that's true.

"Family is more valuable than money." If you told me this a couple years ago, I'd offer to sell my dad to you for twenty bucks. He'd do the same with me.

Yeah, that's all I need to prove that fortune cookies are seldom correct. They sound more like Advice Cookies to me. Damn you, China! Change the name so we can make sense out of why our fortunes aren't usually fortelling anything.

Your Fortune Cookie says: "You will have read Matt's latest rant about fortune cookies today."
Your Advice Cookie says: "Giving Matt twenty dollars is a charitable adventure."
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